Down The Water Spout - PicFic 9/29

[glennagirl.livejournal.com]

Illya Kuryakin had been beat up more than a few times in his life, stuck with needles and cut into with scalpels and other less medical forms of knife work.  He had endured countless forms of torture, mind altering drugs and humiliating circumstances that would break a normal man; a man with less resilience and fortitude than the Russian possessed.

But Illya Kuryakin had never endured the pain of kidney stones before.

Napoleon Solo, partner extraordinaire and expert empathizer, winced in companionable misery as his partner wailed against the unfathomable pain that was a kidney stone stuck in the most unfortunate of anatomical locations.  He had never in his myriad of imaginations conceived of his stoic partner, the unflappable Kuryakin, yielding to this behavior as the relatively small object was allowed to travel its path towards …

"Um, how … I mean… ' Napoleon gestured in the least suggestive manner possible towards the rumpled blond as he writhed in agony.  How exactly…"

"How does it come out?  Well Mr. Solo…" And so Nurse Agnes Mollner began to describe the perilous pathway of this egregious tormentor of men.  Napoleon felt slightly faint as he imagined the hideous thing, shuddered slightly when it occurred to him that he might (God forbid), fall victim to this perilous and pernicious enemy of men everywhere.

"So, how long does it last?  I mean… poor Illya, it's already been a few hours like this."  Nurse Agnes thought she saw a few beads of perspiration on the brow of the handsome CEA.  She had heard about the man's exploits, although that wouldn't cause kidney stones.  No, it was the diet these men insisted on, their careless eating habits and lack of proper hydration during their missions.  She tisked silently at the lack endured by these Section II agents, the probably early deaths and … well, one mustn't to dwell on such things.

"Mr. Solo, it takes as long as it takes.  Perhaps someday there will be a method of breaking them up more quickly and shortening the time it takes for this to run its course.  For now I believe you'd best be getting some rest yourself; Mr. Kuryakin is going to be here all night, most probably."

Napoleon decided she was right, and besides that he didn't think he could stand to listen to Illya's groaning any longer.  Someone else had said this malady was more painful childbirth, causing Solo to shudder again at the thought of what had to come through that little canal, and how it didn't fit and…

"Oh my God, after THRUSH and other assorted enemies, and this is what brings down Illya Kuryakin?"  He said it out loud, and Napoleon immediately regretted it as Nurse Agnes cut her eyes away as though deaf to such outbursts.

"Uh, goodnight then, I.. um.. "  Her look was sympathetic.

'We will notify you of any changes, but this is going to take a while.  It isn't life threatening and when it's over,' Napoleon's eyebrows shot up as though the thought suddenly hit him that there could be damage to… his southern hemisphere twitched then, a sympathetic gesture to his friend's agony perhaps.

"He will be fine.  You men are built stronger than that little pebble, so don't worry.  He'll still be able to pee and… well, do other things." And then she winked at Napoleon Solo, a wise and knowing wink that told him she knew what he was thinking and that this wasn't a game changer as far as favorite activities were concerned.

"Oh, well…" He just smiled at that then and bade her farewell.

'Good luck tovarisch, and good riddance to that kidney stone.' Napoleon broke into a whistle as he cleared the building, glad to be free of what plagued his partner and, at Nurse Agnes' urging, committed to drinking more water.

As for Illya, it was going to be a long night.