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section7mfu2017-02-15 02:51 pm
"Shot gun wedding" for The What if? Challenge 2/15/17
It all started when...well Napoleon at the moment couldn’t exactly remember where it all began. Oh yes, when he hid under the bed in Pia Monteri’s bedroom, and then her grandmother discovered him.
The girl was merely helping him when he was in trouble trying to escape from some Thrushies, and now here he was getting married to her. His presence in her boudoire had apparently sullied her reputation in the eyes of her family, even though nothing at all happened. That didn’t matter as no one would believe him, or Pia for that matter.
Now Napoleon, UNCLE agent extrodinaire, stood facing the girl who was dressed in a white wedding gown and veil, as well as a priest. Pia’s grandmother had a shotgun in her hands and was aiming at her future grandson-in-law.
He couldn’t believe it; he was getting married? There was a sinking feeling in his stomach. What could he do? He was unarmed and surrounded by Pia’s entire family who were definitely packing guns.
Solo turned to the girl’s Uncle, ‘Fingers; Stilletto, as they prepared for the marriage vows, and flat out lied to the man.
"I'm not Italian, you know." Not that he really thought it would help, but it was worth the try.
Fingers smiled, "It's all right, you look Italian.Try to be proud anyway."
The brief ceremony was over, though Napoleon mumbled his ‘I do.’ He couldn’t refuse as those double shotgun barrels were shoved in the middle of his back.
There was no kiss sealing the deal so to speak. Napoleon had to admit, Pia was attractive and very kissable. Under the right circumstances and minus the wedding, he wouldn’t have minded getting to know her a bit better.
Strago and his men suddenly appeared, disrupting the whole affair, though Solo wistfully wondered why the Thrushman and his lackeys couldn’t have shown up ten minutes earlier?
The usual fracas ensued, and now Napoleon found himself in another pickle. Strago had taken Pia, and apparently had Illya as well.
“How the hell do these things happen?” He practically swore to himself. Waverly was going to love this one.”
Upon his return to headquarters and as expected, Waverly was clearly annoyed at the situation.
“How the devil did you get yourself married?”
“Sir it was a matter of honor for the girl. She’d helped me hide from THRUSH by letting me stay in her room . Absolutely nothing happened but her family insisted her reputation had been ruined and I had to marry her or...be killed. It was literally a shotgun wedding, I swear."
“I never will understand how you get yourself into these sort of predicaments young man. As I have said in the past, a woman will be the death of you someday.”
“I repeat sir, I did nothing to the girl, and now she needs rescuing, and Mr. Kuryakin as well.”
Waverly adamantly opposed Solo's intentions to rescue the pair, but Napoleon wouldn’t back down. That’s when Waverly laid the bad news on his agent.
“Strago has moved his main base of operations to his island in the Caribbean. As it’s vital to stop him before he launches his undersea missiles to divert the Gulf Stream, U.N.C.L.E. will mount an airstrike in sixteen hours and reduce the island to rubble.”
“Sir, you can’t do that. I'm sure Strago is holding Mr. Kuryakin prisoner there.”
“Mr. Solo you know very well that I send off my agents to their possible death in the service of U.N.C.L.E. on a daily basis. Mr. Kuryakin knows this as well. I’m sorry.”
“But what about Pia? She’s an innocent civilian and she'll die as well, because of me. I will not allow that to happen.”
Standing up beside the conference table, Napoleon withdrew his UNCLE credentials, and calmly placed them and his gun on it.
“Then I quit Mr. Waverly. I’m not going to let her suffer because of me, whether you like it or not, I’m going to rescue her and Illya!”
Napoleon turned to leave but the Old Man stopped him.
‘Wait Mr. Solo. Very well, if you’re that determined I will allow it, but remember you have sixteen hours.”
Solo gathered his belongings. “Thank you.”
As his agent left Waverly chastised himself for giving in to Solo, “ Hmmm, sentimental grandmother of the year!"
The Stiletto brothers, Pia’s Mafia Uncles and now Napoleon’s famiglia by marriage didn’t hesitate to jump into the fray to help rescue their niece. Though they were in their 60’s and 70’s they had the mindset, and skills of old time mobsters and were a pretty tough group of men, and a bit scary too.
Lacking any other sort of help, they’d have to do. Napoleon’s mission was to deal with Strago and THRUSH. He had to prioritize but he wasn’t about to put off the rescue. He only hoped both Pia and Illya were still alive.
As usual Napoleon was flying by the seat of his pants on this one, and with the Stiletto’s help he managed to find his weakened partner, and Strago’s murderous assistant Miss Diketon who had switched sides. Still they had to locate Pia and stop THRUSH before they were all blown to smithereens by U.N.C.L.E.
Illya’s summary of their rag-tag group was priceless…"I bring Lucrezia Borgia, and you bring the Mafia. We are in great shape."
Granted Miss Diketon’s motivations for changing sides were a bit dicey. Considering the brutal treatment she’d inflicted upon Kuryakin, she was lucky he just didn’t kill her. Still recusing Pia was important, but stopping Strago’s plan was a priority. She was looking out for herself, saving her own neck. Having been told she was being transferred, she suspected she was going to be killed instead. As good and loyal she'd been to Mr. Strago, he didn't appreciate her and her talents at all. He wanted to get rid of her permanently and spurned her obvious affections for him. She wanted revenge and she was going to get it, even if she had to help the U.N.C.L.E. agents to do it.
Illya couldn't quite figure out her attraction to the man, and his final conclusion was that Miss Diketon was quite mad.
Strago was an odd egotistical bundle of twitching neuroses and anxieties and wanted nothing to do with her. He was seemingly nauseated by Miss Diketon’s attentions, yet he was infatuated with Pia.
All Kuryakin could do was put aside his own murderous feelings against Miss Diketon and let her do what she wanted to do, within reason of course. In the end, she died as did Strago and rather shockingly.
So all’s well that ended well. Pia was saved, THRUSH was stopped.
The agents winged their way back to headquarters. Illya slept most of the way as he was physically and mentally exhausted from his torturous ordeal at the hands of the late Miss Diketon, as well as his underwater exploits that helped save the day...though he was nearly killed again.
Once they arrived, Kuryakin was hurried off to the Medical suite for a checkup and would be put through a psych evaluation later in the day. With the Russian in such a state of exhaustion, he uttered not one word of protest against it. That told Napoleon how badly his partner was really feeling.
Solo was now seated at the conference table once again, facing Alexander Waverly.
“I must say Mr. Solo, it was a job well done but in the future do not test me again by threatening to leave U.N.C.L.E. You are one of my most valuable assets, and admittedly so is Mr. Kuryakin, but you are also both expendable. You knew that when you joined the organization. I take no pleasure in sending my agents out into life threatening situations...Napoleon. Though I seem as though I don’t care, I do. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Yes sir I do.” Napoleon never thought of the emotional stress the Old Man must endure knowing his orders could result in the death of his people; agents he'd hand picked to work for him here in New York.
“Now as to the matter of your marriage to Miss Monteri. It has been officially annulled. So that matter has been resolved. A letter of apology for getting her involved has been sent. As compensation we are setting her up in her own business, a pizzeria as it were. Official letters of commendation are also being issued to the Stilletto brothers for their invaluable assistance in thwarting yet another THRUSH plot to rule the world.”
It was a relief to Napoleon that the marriage to Pia no longer existed, but for one wistful moment he wondered what it would be like to have been truly married, to have a family and a real life. Who was he kidding, U.N.C.L.E. would never permit it. He’d already lost two women to the likes of the Command, his Clara and Joanna Winthrop.* Better he didn’t think about Pia. He liked her, but there wasn’t love there.
Maybe someday he'd get married and have that family, that was if he lived long enough to reach retirement. He had to put that thought out of his head. It was time to head up to Medical and check on his partner.
As he neared Illya's room, a bed pan came flying out the door.
Napoleon grinned; his partner was feeling himself again.
* reference to the Terbuf Affair and my story “Only Love Can Break your heart”
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Ps. I love the word 'fracas'. According to a character in Terry Pratchett's Discworld, it is a word which only ever appears in print :-)
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I've never read Discworld...have only seen the movie "Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy."
Fracas is a good word though, isn't it? lol!
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I'm really glad you enjoyed my reworking of the original episode, just enough to keep the same plot line and disposition of certain characters. Am glad it worked. :D
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Waverly wraps it up neatly, extracting Pia from further danger. I like the ending with the bedpan.
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hahaha, the bedpan incident. It felt like Illya needed to blow off some steam after all he's been through in the original story.
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