section7mfu | "Revenge Solo style" a non-challenge story (Reply)

Illya knew Napoleon’s retribution was forthcoming; he just didn’t expect it so soon.

It wasn’t even Christmas, and given Solo’s love of the holiday, Illya was sure he was safe until after January 7th, the Russian holiday.

But no, he was wrong, very wrong…

Kuryakin looked down at his left wrist that had been handcuffed to the arm of his office chair and gave it a yank in frustration.

Napoleon sat across from him in his own chair, wearing a rather smug look on his face.

“Payback’s a bi…”

“Stoi! Pozhaluysta?” Illya begged him to please stop.

“After what you did to me the other day? I think not,” Napoleon grinned.

“Not only did you fix it so I had to wear that damned elf costume at Waverly’s Gentleman’s club, you switched out the tights to an extra small...I’m still chafed from them.* So now you pay the price tovarisch.”

“Napoleon,” Illya tugged as the handcuff again.” Did I not promise I would play the elf next year for Mr. Waverly?”

“And so you did, but that’s not enough.” Napoleon began to warble away, singing in his off key voice.

“Hey! Chingedy ching, hee-haw, hee-haw. It's Dominick the donkey.Chingedy ching, hee-haw, hee-hawThe Italian Christmas donkey. La la la-la la-la la la la la! La la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da!”

In front of him was a small victrola, and playing on it was a 45 record of Lou Monte, singing Dominick the Donkey.

Illya didn’t know which was worse, the recording or Napoleon singing along with it.

He finally leaned forward, hitting his forehead on his desk again and again. Stopping suddenly, Kuryakin reaching inside his black jacket and drew his Special from its holster.

“Whoa!” Napoleon yelled “Don’t shoot! I’ll stop.”

He grabbed the tone arm, dragging it across the 45 with a scratch.

“I am not going to shoot you, I am going to shoot myself and end my misery. Do svidaniya!” Illya held the gun to his temple.”

“Illya, oh my God, STOP!” Napoleon yelled as he dove towards his partner. “I’m sorry, don’t!”

In the struggle, the gun went off with a pop. Revealing a little brightly colored paper umbrella sticking out of the barrel; a left over novelty from ‘The Cherry Blossom Affair.”

Napoleon fell to the floor, his heart pounding. He didn’t know whether to laugh or strangle the crazy Russian.

Illya, in the meantime, had pickpocketed the key from Solo’s jacket pocket and proceeded to free himself from the cuffs. He stood up and walked to the victrola, removed the record and tossed it against the wall, smashing it to pieces.

Kuryakin offered his hand to help his partner up.

“I think we are even now, da?”

“I'm thinking about it.”

“While you are thinking I will be going up to medical. I have a headache from that atrocious song as well as your singing. Do you want me to ask them for some ointment for you ‘chafing?”

“Gee thanks…” Solo made 'that' face, the one where he crinkled his nose.

As soon as Illya left, Napoleon reached into his desk drawer and took out another copy of Dominick the Donkey. He put in on the victrola with a smile..

“It’s not that bad. Just wait Illya, there'll be a part two of my getting even and you won't know when it's coming. For your little stunt today, it'll be double the payback."

* ref to "Kho Kho Kho"

A/N Dominick the Donkey is a Christmas song written by Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg and Wandra Merrell, and was recorded by Lou Monte in 1960,
The song was listed at No. 14 in Billboard's "Bubbling under the Hot 100" list in December 1960.