"Love Lost" for the What-if? Challenge

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

Last week's prompt: (from The Terbuf Affair)

The prompt: What if Clara had decided to ditch her husband

and go back to New York with Napoleon?

As they sat in the boat preparing to leave with Clara and her husband, Kuryakin could see the pain in his partner’s eyes. Napoleon was handcuffed to the woman he still loved, but they might as well have been on opposite sides of the world; Clara was staying with her husband and that as they say was that.

Illya could understand his friend’s feelings as Napoleon was losing the woman all over again. Yet he thought it ironic as how could Solo lose what he didn’t have?

The Russian had loved a few women in his life and had lost them as well, one through rejection like Napoleon, and another to murder.*  Still a loss was a loss, and that fact could not be changed. He learned to let it go, as allowing such emotions eat away at one’s heart could only make matters worse, not better.

He wanted to say these things to Napoleon but now was not the time.

Illya had other thoughts to deal with since being around Emil and the other gypsies had brought back memories of his childhood,  of spending time in his Uncle Vanya’s gypsy camp, with his cousin Anastasiya.  They too were gone now, as was Kuryakin’s entire family, including the gypsy clan as far as he knew., all victims of the Nazis. Still that was a lifetime ago.

He hadn’t lied to Emil,when he said he was a seventh son...but not of Kuric, his was another gypsy tribe, the Ursari.

Illya sighed, telling himself it was time to put those recollections back where they belonged. It was not good to dwell upon them.

Both men were quiet, especially Napoleon when it came time to say goodbye to Clara. She was determined toto stand beside her husband Stefan in spite of his crimes. It wasn’t going to be an easy life, there’d be no privilege for her, not any more, but that was her choice.

Once freed of the handcuffs, Napoleon and Clara went their separate ways. It was a cold farewell from him, in part because he knew she’d taken advantage of him, knowing he still had feelings for her.

Her desperation had nearly gotten them killed, but as Napoleon and she faced that firing squad he took solace in that he was going to die with the woman he loved.

Mr. Waverly always said a woman would be the death of him, and at the time Solo thought him right.

Thinking back, Napoleon recalled the hurt as he’d chosen duty and obligation to the Command instead of love. He tried convincing Clara there was room for them to be together, and his job as well, but she refused to believe it.

She couldn’t live with the fact that he could go away on a mission and never come back to her. That wasn’t the life she wanted. She wanted the husband with a nine to five job, the white picket fence and kids in the backyard. Napoleon told her that couldn’t be, but he assured her he’d try to make as normal a life for the two of them.

That wasn’t enough for her. Yet the tenderness she showed him while refusing him made it all the more difficult.. If she’d shouted at him, shown anger, it would have made the whole mess a lot easier to accept .

Napoleon’s heart had been broken and he carried that inside himself for years. Her choice was made and he had to abide by it, yet somehow during this whole affair, he was suddenly filled with hope that she’d come back to him, choose him over Stefan Valder.

After all Valder was the bad guy and Napoleon was the good guy if you wanted to break it down to simplest of terms, but none of it was simple, not when love was involved.  Clara still loved Stefan despite the fact he was now a criminal.

Napoleon sighed to himself, wondering how he could have lost her to a guy like that?

Now as he and Illya sat at the airport in Rome waiting for their flight to New York to board, his partner finally spoke up. Kuryakin had been silent the entire trip from Terbuf as had Solo.  The Russian knew Napoleon well enough to just leave him be as he was mulling things over, until it was the right time to speak up and it was now.

“Do not to think too much about what might have been. It does no good to dwell on the past. It is a hard lesson I have learned it myself as there have been women I loved and lost. I do understand my friend.”

“It’s not just about losing her again Illya, it’s about feeling, used. Abandoned too. Why do you think I go after all those women and sleep with them, and don’t say it’s because I’m just horny...well I am, but it’s more than that. I’m empty like a hollowed out shell, there’s a void that needs filling. I guess I’m trying to find another Clara. I still love her, I’ve never stopped loving her.”

Illya had no answer for that as he saw tears well up in his friend’s eyes. He understood about having a broken heart, still he was able to get over it and couldn’t see why Napoleon would not able to do it as well...perhaps with time?”

“Napoleon?” A voice called from behind them.

Solo jumped to his feet, spinning around, quickly wiping his eyes. “Clara?”

“I heard what you said, and I’m sorry you’ve felt so terrible all these years. I never meant to hurt you; I was just afraid.”

“Why are you here?”

“Because I realized that I still loved you. I asked myself why I was staying with Stefan after all he’d done. If he’d really loved me then he should… what I’m trying to say is that if you’ll still have me Napoleon, I want to be with you, not Stefan. I want to be with you no matter what. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

His eyes went wide, and his mouth opened but nothing came out.

“Be careful Napoleon,” Illya whispered,” A fly might get in there.”

That wisecrack called Solo back to his senses and that’s when Kuryakin made himself scarce.

“Clara, you’re married,” he finally said.

“So, I can get a divorce. I’ve come to my senses, and I want to be with you.”

“Clara, I don’t know.” He hedged.

“Your mouth is saying one thing, but your eyes are telling me something else,” Clara reached out, gently touching her hand to his chest.

He placed his hand over hers, looking right into her eyes.

“I heard you say you still loved me Napoleon.”

“I do Clara, but do you really still love me?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“I love you Napoleon Solo and always have.”

He pulled her to him, kissing her. Clara wrapped herself around him, and Napoleon could feel himself melting in her embrace.

When their kiss ended, she told him she wanted to go back to New York with him.

He bit his lower lip before responding. “It won’t be easy, and we can’t get married. UNCLE forbids agents to do so. Everything is pretty much the same as we talked about it years ago, except I have more responsibility since I’m now Chief Enforcement Agent.”

“It’s okay,” she smiled.”we can live in sin, as long as we’re together. You’ve managed to survive all these years, and I was worried back then that you wouldn’t. All that time we could have been together just lost.”

Napoleon’s eyebrows arched upon hearing that. “Well then maybe we can make up for that lost time, “ he smiled at her.

Illya appeared holding three tickets to New York instead of two.

“How did you know?” Napoleon asked.

“Looks are worth a thousand words my friend, and the looks between you two spoke volumes.”

“Thanks tovarisch.”

Six months later Clara Valder was now a divorced woman and had moved into a new, larger apartment with Napoleon. Things started out well enough but then the onslaught of his former girlfriends and lovers just got to be too much.

“I guess you didn’t really miss me that much,” she sniped during one of their spats.

“What was I supposed to do, spend the rest of my life being celibate and pining away for a woman who gave me up? You married Stefan, so I why couldn’t have lovers?”

“Of course you could, but really Napoleon, how many of them were there, I mean... are there? These women don’t take no for an answer and just keep calling for you. I can’t take it anymore. How many of them are you still seeing? There’s all those late nights, and then you’re gone for weeks at a time.”

“Sorry, but it’s just the Solo charm. Women are drawn to me like moths to a flame...it’s a gift.”

“It’s not funny!

“I wasn’t joking,”he said. “There really is a…”

“I’ll give you the Solo charm,” she picked up a vase and fired it at him from across the room. Napoleon ducked as it missed him and smashed to smithereens against the wall.

“This was a mistake,” she said before she started to cry.

Even though he still had feelings for her, Napoleon realized she was right.

“I agree., we can’t live like this. You stay here and I’ll move out, I can get my old apartment back. No one’s moved in there, at least that’s what Illya told me.”

“Oh so you’re discussing our business with him?”

“Well he is my best friend.”

Clara rolled her eyes. “You know what, I’m not going to stay here either, I’m going back to Terbuf where I can hopefully do some good.”

“Oh back to Stefan?” Napoleon snickered.

“No! I can be my own person; I don’t need a man in my life and I don’t need you.”

“You don’t need me Clara, but do you still love me, just a little bit?”

Her demeanor softened.” Napoleon Solo, I’ll always have love in my heart for you but we can’t be together. It was really too late after all.”

He lowered his head just for a second. “Then I’ll say goodbye Clara, for the last time.”

Napoleon turned and walked out the door, his heart broken again. Clara was right, it was too late.

He decided to seek solace in the arms of another woman, going back to his old ways. He still had his little black book in his desk at headquarters.  He’d been faithful to Clara since she came back to New York with him, but she didn't believe that.

It was her loss...that’s what he tried to tell himself.

*ref to Marion Raven and my story “White Nights” respectively.