Remedial - Short Affair - 10th August

[otherhawk.livejournal.com]

Prompt colour - gold
Prompt word - alley
Wordcount - 910

Also for the Back to School challenge.

Remedial

"Sometimes I suspect that Mr Waverly secretly despises me," Illya announced loudly as he stepped into the van from the alley.

Napoleon winced and covered his communicator a little too late.

"What was that?" Mr Waverly asked sharply.

"Ah, nothing sir, must have been a crossed line," Napoleon said. "As I was saying Mr Kuryakin had eyes on the girl throughout class, and Miss Dancer now has her in the dorm."

"Good," Mr Waverly said. "Keep me apprised of any new developments. And please tell Mr Kuryakin that if he is unhappy in his current assignment, there is a new scientific station in the Kalahari desert that would be very pleased to have his expertise for a few weeks....or longer."

Illya groaned and dropped his head into his hands with a few choice words.

"Uh uh," Napoleon said cheerfully. "Advanced English lessons, remember? You should be learning to swear in English by now."

"But then I would surely offend your delicate sensibilities," Illya returned sharply.

He grinned. "That was really your own fault, you know. What sort of spy doesn't check whether he's walking in on a conversation before making disparaging remarks about the boss?"

Illya looked at him with a complete lack of amusement. "The kind of spy who has spent the day listing all the irregular verbs in English and has come to the conclusion that your language has no logic."

"You must have noticed that when you were learning it the first time around," Napoleon pointed out.

"The first time around, KGB was teaching me," Illya said.

"The KGB," Napoleon corrected, unwisely.

Illya glared. "Why? We do not refer to UNCLE as the UNCLE and that too is an acronym representing an organisation. Why should one demand the definite article and the other not?"

"Convention," Napoleon answered immediately, before he had to get caught up in the argument.

"A ridiculous reason for anything," Illya remarked. "Very well. The first time around, the KGB was teaching me. They had very little interest in the philosophy of language, and they did not rap knuckles for mistakes. I do not need advanced English lessons."

"Of course not," Napoleon soothed. "Your English is excellent, you speak it almost like a native. This is just for an assignment, remember? So you have to take a class that's beneath you. Just keep smiling, or whatever your equivalent is, and collect the gold stars."

There was a long pause. Illya put on his glasses and concentrated on the transcript from this morning's session. Which might have been convincing, if Napoleon didn't happen to know he'd already read it.

"Alright, what is it?" he asked.

Illya sighed deeply. "There was an impromptu test today. I failed."

For a longest time he just stared. "You...failed?" he repeated incredulously.

His surprise just made Illya look more gloomy. "I am not used to failing tests."

Napoleon imagined not. His smile dawned slowly. "So, this course is aimed at incoming foreign students who maybe haven't had a chance to practice their English lately," he said with barely concealed glee. "And you, who have been speaking English more or less every day for the last, what, six years? You failed the test."

"Yes," Illya said, through clenched teeth.

"Well, isn't that interesting?" He shook his head with mock sadness. "I had no idea you had been faking it all these years."

"Faking it?" Illya repeated dangerously. "Napoleon, I speak a dozen more languages than that poor excuse for a teacher. I would be qualified to teach that class myself and do a far better job. This test was simply ridiculous. It was on collective nouns, a more pointless exercise I have seldom encountered."

Napoleon had to admit, he couldn't immediately see the point himself. "I wonder what the collective noun for THRUSH is?" he asked, briefly diverted.

Illlya looked at him like he was crazy. "A satrap."

"That only applies if they're all in a satrap," he pointed out. "Suppose they're just hanging out in a bar or something."

"Oh. Then I suppose a group? A flock? My point is, it does not matter and I do not care." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and thrust it towards Napoleon. "I defy you to tell me that you would have managed any better with this."

"I'm a native speaker," he reminded Illya as he looked down at the test, noting with amusement the red penned corrections, and the 4/20 at the top with an unhappy face scribbled next to it. This might yet turn out to be a THRUSH plot to drive his studious partner completely out of his mind.

Reading over the questions, he very quickly realised he really wouldn't have done much better. Who could possibly need to know that a kangaroos came in mobs, or that candidates came in slates? But he kept his expression mildly curious, and when he looked back up at Illya he offered a bright and patronising smile. "Oh, we learn all that stuff in elementary school," he claimed airily. "Don't worry. Most people are prepared to make allowances."

"I do not need allowances, Napoleon!" Illya insisted.

He grinned, folding up the test and putting it in his pocket. "I'll just hold onto this so I can show Mr Waverly. Who knows? Maybe he'll be able to organise some remedial language lessons for you while you're in the Kalahari."

This time, Illya managed to swear at him in English.

Comments

[otherhawk.livejournal.com]

Thank you, glad you liked it. I wouldn't trust the collective nouns, I'll be honest and admit I got those ones off the internet! I needed ones obscure enough that Illya wouldn't know. Still don't get the slate of candidates.

Also, it must have been fun teaching even basic grammar in a language that doesn't have words for 'yes' or 'no'...

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

Yep basic grammar and trying to explain that there's no indefinite article The lack of a word for yes and no... that was a concept hard to get across to the students when you're concentrating only on the verb "Bí" forever, then getting across the difference between Tá and Bí... Then of course the rest of the irregular verbs. Yikes!

Of course there'd always be a know it all in class who'd want to talk about the 'genitive case'...would tell him that's in the advanced class, and best he sit in on that.

The student would and the following week he'd be back...behaving himself. Too funny!