"Lions, tigers, bears, and a bit of snark...oh my!" For Picfic Tuesday 3/28/17

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

The prompt:

“Snap!”

“Will you be more careful,” Napoleon whispered.

“I am trying but it is difficult to avoid naturally occurring  twigs in the middle of the woods,” Illya answered, his voice equally as hushed. Before his partner could admonish him further, he rolled his eyes.

”And I am well aware there are carnivorous animals here so there is no need to remind me.”

Napoleon shrugged his shoulders, answering blandly,” I wasn’t going to, now can we get going?”

“Fine!” Illya huffed.

“Oy would you two knock off the snarkiness,”Mark Slate finally chimed in.”Quit your palavering before you do attract some hungry beastie who’ll want us for lunch.”

Both Solo and Kuryakin glared at each other, not saying another word.

The agents continued their way through the forest, ducking branches, climbing over downed trees feeling as if  they were on an obstacle course.

“How long?” Napoleon asked his partner.

“I do not know.”

A few minutes later...

“Illya are we almost there?” Napoleon asked.

“Not exactly.”

“Are we lost?”

“Only if you were leading my friend.”

“Very funny,” Napoleon sneered.

“It was not meant to be funny, I was being truthful.”

“Again, could you gents put a sock in it,” Mark said.

“Are you that worried about lions, tigers and bears in the forest,” Napoleon jabbed.

“Only the bear part mate. I think it's pretty safe to say there's no lions or tigers."

"Well there could be bobcats..." Illya said.

It was now Slate's turn to glare." How ‘bout we take a break so we can get our bearings?”

The others nodded in agreement, and after sitting down on a log they passed around a canteen, each taking a swig of water from it.

“So what’s the problem tovarisch?” Solo asked. This time he made sure he asked nicely, with no hint of attitude.

“The compass is acting strangely. Something is causing it to shift position making it difficult to determine true north.  There must be a deposit of ferrous metal or even magnetite in the vicinity. If I could see the sky clearly and the position of the sun, based on the time of day, I might be able to recalibrate…

“So we are lost,”Napoleon snickered, trying to laud it over his partner. “Gee and it’s not my fault. How about that?”

Illya rolled his eyes again. “No we are not lost, I have been calculating the adjustments in my head, though they would be more accurate if I…”

“Okay, okay,” Mark interrupted. “So based on your calculations mate, how much longer would you guess?”

“I do not like to guess…”

“Illya,” Solo growled.

“Fine! Perhaps another twenty minutes or so. Remember we are looking for a clearing so it should not be easy to miss.”

“Remind me again mate, why did we have to meet our contact in the middle of the woods?”

“Because he’s afraid of being observed by the people he’s betraying,” Napoleon answered, though he thought the meeting place a bit extreme as well. Finding an abandoned location in New York city seemed much more sensible than going to northwest New Jersey, but what did it matter, this is where the contact insisted the handoff take place.

“Look,” Illya whispered, there is a clearing up ahead. Hopefully it is the correct location.”

“What happened to twenty minutes or so? Solo quipped.

“I was wrong, so sue me. If you would prefer to wait and circle for another fifteen minutes…”

“No, lead on MacDuff.”

They drew their guns while carefully stepping into the opening.

In the middle of the clearing was an area of sand, surrounded by yellow wildflowers in bloom, and within that circle was a brown and tan dome tent.

There was no sign of life other than the sound of birds chirping up in the tree branches.

“I would say we have arrived,”Illya said.

“Oh brilliant deduction Watson,” it was Mark’s turn to quip.

“Hello? Mr. Haley? John Haley?” Illya called, but softly.

“You're expecting a different Haley?” Napoleon asked.

“You know, you are in a rather abrasive mood,”Illya pursed his lips.

Ignoring him, Napoleon strolled around to the front of the tent, and reappeared seconds later. He was as white as a ghost and was wildly waving his arms in the air.

He let out one breathy word…”Run!” He said it quietly as he sped past his partner and Slate.

They turned and followed him back into the woods, and continued after him until they came to a very large tree.

“Up!” Napoleon ordered.

They did so, and stopped until they were sitting atop the heaviest branches.

Finally Illya, after catching his breath, asked the question that begged to be answered.'

"Unwanted company?"

“Umm, probably, and Haley's probably dead."

“What do you mean probably mate?”

“Well, we’ll have to wait to see after the coast is clear.”

“Napoleon, clear of what? Will you just tell us?” Illya demanded.

“Quiet, not so loud.”

“Napoleon!” Both Slate and Kuryakin whispered his name with as much annoyance they could muster while speaking quietly.

“There was a bear.”

“A bear?” Mark swallowed hard.” See I told you blokes.”

“What was it doing, eating our contact?” Illya asked.

“It was partly inside the tent; that doesn’t bode well,”

"But you did not see Haley?" Illya asked.

“Look!” Mark pointed,” I think it’s leaving.”

“Hey will you idiots shut up over there?” Another voice called from a few trees away.”

“John Haley I presume,” Illya called.

“I will be as long as you don’t attract that bear’s attention,” he answered back.

“We could dart the beast,” Mark suggested.

“I don’t think so,” Napoleon countered,” an animal of that size would take too many darts to take down, and I’d hate to kill it if we switched to life rounds.”

“Then what do we do?” Mark asked.

“We wait.”Illya answered.

“How long.”

“That is a question I have heard one too many times today,” Illya grumbled.

“Shush!” Napoleon hissed.”It’s at the base of our tree.”

The bear huffed, puffed and snorted but finally it backed down and ambled off, disappearing into the the woods.

After giving it ample time the agents and Haley finally descended from their perches in the trees.

“And you’re UNCLE’s best,” the man said with a sarcastic tone of voice..

“Or so we’ve been told Mr. Haley. I’m Napoleon Solo, this is Illya Kuryakin and Mark Slate. Do you have the information?”

“Yes. Well, I did but it’s in the tent.”

“Peachy,” Napoleon said.

After switching their magazines to live rounds, the agents accompanied Haley back to the tent where he knelt down to crawl in. Seconds later he backed out, empty handed.

“I have bad news gentlemen, it’s gone, kaput.”

“You mean the bear took it?” Napoleon asked.

“Well not quite. It looks like he ate most of it and...what’s left, which isn’t much, is covered in scat.”

“Scat?” Mark asked.”What’s that.”

“To use your British vernacular,” Illya said.”it is shite.”

“Ohhhh. Gotcha mate. So I guess we best get out of here before the bloody beast comes comes back.”

“That sounds like a good idea. Sorry guys to get you out here for nothing,” Haley said. “Umm, do you mind if I sort of follow you back. I left my car at the ranger station.”

“Sure, that’s where ours is as well,” Napoleon said. “Follow me.”

“No, no. I would like to get back before nightfall so follow me,” Illya said.

“Wait, Napoleon protested. “That’s not fair, you took us off course today.”

All four heads turned sharply when they heard a low growl, and it was quite close.

They dashed back to the large tree, this time the four men stayed together.

“Well, here we are in the tree...again,” Mark sighed. “I vote to shoot it.”

“No, that would not be right,” Illya said.” We are not hunting for food, as it is the bear is only doing what comes naturally. Eventually it will leave.”

He looked to Solo, waiting for some sort of pun but there was none...

Things were improving already.

Comments

[jantojones.livejournal.com]

Such a fun (if a little scary) tale. Napoleon and Illya's bickering was perfect, made even more so by Mark trying to get them to stop.

(I don't know what it says about me, but I'm oddly proud of the appearance of the word 'shite', LOL)

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it. I thought the bickering was a nice change, as life isn't always perfect between even the best of friends.

Hmm, 'shite?" Maybe you're enjoying the fact that it's Illya who said it. Aren't you proud that I know it? (and use it at times) "D

Thanks for the comment!

[jantojones.livejournal.com]

It's a good word to use :-)
In the North-East of England, we have the phrase 'haddaway and shite'. 'Haddaway' more or less means 'go way', and the whole phase is an expression of incredulity. Eg. Person 1 "I'm the greatest person in the world", Person 2 "Haddaway and shite".

(Ps, I must once again apologise for once again having no story today. I have one half written, but I've been unwell for a few days and it comes and goes without warning. I have no idea what it is, but it's gone through my whole family.)

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

Hadaway sounds like what my Irish friends use...: away with you.' Pretty much means the same thing.

No worries about the story. Hope you're feeling better soon! Have a nice cuppa and put your feet up for a wee bit. A hot cup of tea always makes things feel better, if only temporarily.

Post the story when ever you can. You know my saying. 'Better late than never.'

In April I'm cutting back the PicFic to twice a month to give myself, and everyone else, a break. So there's open posting every other week for any PicFics you want to catch up on,

Been a bit down myself, and finding it hard to write. Financial problems as usual, as well as aches and pain. Body is acting up on me, my worries and the weather are messing with my sleep. A bit of insomnia lately...could be partly due to the change in seasons...maybe.