SNAPSHOTS~"Life's a drag"

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

                                                     

“You have got to be kidding!” Napoleon Solo blurted out as his partner shoved a salt and pepper wig on the American’s head.

“It will be fine,”Illya assured as he readjusted the hair piece.

“I look like great Aunt Maude,” Napoleon continued to protest.

“You do not have a Great Aunt Maude.”

“Well if I did, this is what she’d look like. I can’t do this...I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Oh so you have no problem dressing me up like a woman...if you recall Barcelona."

“Well the circumstances warranted it chum but this…”

“Is the only way we will get out of here alive,”Illya finished the sentence.”If it makes you feel more assured, I will be in drag as well.”

“Oh that makes me feel soooo much better.”

“Just sit still Napoleon and let me apply this base makeup, you do have a bit of a five o’clock shadow you know.”

Solo glared at the Russian. “Get it over with please.”

It took Illya about twenty minutes, applying foundation, powder, eye shadow, liner, brow pencil and the pièce de résistance... glossy cherry red lipstick. Napoleon eyed himself in the mirrior, puckering up for a second and blowing himself a kiss.

"Napoleon, you will forgive me for being a bit bewildered, but twenty minutes ago you were acting as if the world were ending."

"Hey, I can't help it...I make this look good."

Illya as always, rolled his eyes. “You will pass fine for an older woman." The Russian couldn't resist getting in a dig. "Just do not open your mouth unless you can speak several octaves higher, “Illya said dispassionately as he shoved a floral dress into Napoleons hands along with a pair of stockings and garter belts. “Put these on.”

Illya gestured for his partner to vacate the chair and seated himself in front of the mirror, embarking on the same routine of applying makeup to himself. Illya grabbed a dark brunette wig, fluffed it a bit and turned his head left then right...inspecting the finished product.

“Well don’t you look all sexy,”Napoleon sniped.”How come you make me up like the old lady and you get to be the voluptuous one? I mean you look downright kissable.”

“Do that and you will not live to see another day,”Kuryakin growled. He grabbed a simple blue frock and wiggled into it, stuffing the top with rolled up toilet paper to make his figure a bit fuller.

“Why didn’t I get any stuffing?” Napoleon complained, looking at his flat chested frumpy appearance.

“You are the mother, and I am the daughter accompanying you,” Illya answered matter of factly. He disappeared into the next room, returning with a wheel chair. "I borrowed this from the hotel, now you sit in it and I will wheel you out to the elevator.”

For once it was to Illya’s benefit to be a slightly built man, though there were parts of him that weren’t so small, he snickered to himself. He had to search for shoes to fit his own feet and was able to find a pair of rather sparkly silver heels.

Illya added the ladies pumps to his ensemble, though they barely fit his size twelve feet. Not surprisingly, they were tight, but he could suffer with them for now; yet they made him wonder what sort of woman they belonged to. He used a throw blanket to cover up Solo’s black shoes, though they could have passed for a pair of orthopedic footwear at a quick glance.

Napoleon tucked his special under the blanket, while Illya hid his in a matching shoulder bag.

“Ready Auntie Maude?” He snickered.

“That’s mother to you. Tell me tovarisch, where the hell did you get all of this stuff?”

“I raided a few of the other guests rooms, it was quite easy.”

“You know Illya, sometimes you scare me.”

“Sometimes I scare myself,” he winked, opening the door and wheeling the American out into the hotel corridor. They made it to the elevator. It stopped at the next floor and a man wearing a trench coat and hat stepped on. He had a leather brief case in his hand. Was he T.H.R.U.S.H. or not?

He gave Illya the once over and winked at him. The Russian was actually flustered for a moment, and Napoleon seeing it, came to his defense.

"I'll have you take your eyes off my daughter if you please," he took a sharp tone using a high- pitched falsetto voice.

"Umm, sorry ma'am, I didn't mean anything by it, but your, ummm, daughter is quite a looker. If I'm not being too forward, maybe she might be interested in meeting me for a drink later in the hotel restaurant...perhaps dinner afterwards?"

"What do you do for a living sonny?"

"Well ma'am, I'm a stock broker on Wall Street."

"In that case..." Napoleon pushed.

"Mother! I...I can get my own dates, now please? You know we have a lot of appointments to keep!" Illya stuck his nose up in the air, acting completely miffed.

The man got off at the next floor, and finally the elevator reached the main floor. Both agents took a deep breath before the elevator doors slowly opened to reveal the busy lobby.

“Show time,” Solo mumbled.

Illya pushed the chair forward, his eyes darting everywhere, watching for the T.H.R.U.S.H. goons waiting there for them.  They passed the men, seemingly ignored until they reached the exit, and one of the Thrushmen stepped towards them. Napoleon took a firm grip on his gun, ready to shoot.

"Let me get that door for you ladies," he said, offering his help as the doorman was preoccupied with another hotel guest.

"Thank you dearie," Napoleon said. "Your mother would be proud of you."

As they exited the hotel, the team of Solo and Kuryakin breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

Once reaching the curb, Napoleon stuck his fingers in his mouth, letting out a loud whistle, quickly hailing a cab. That made the heads of a few passersby turn, amazed at such boisterous behavior coming from such a harmless looking old woman.

Napoleon stood up from the wheelchair, looking at a woman who was staring him down. “It pays to have a young verile boyfriend, it keeps one young” he said, not disgusing his voice.”If you should ever meet a handsome man named Napoleon, make sure you accept a date from him, you won't regret it.”

“Come Mama, we must not bother the nice lady. Please Miss, forgive my mother she is…”Illya made the universal symbol for someone who was slightly crazy.

They quickly ditched the wheelchair and practically threw themselves into the back seat of the taxi as it pulled up curbside.

Illya called out an address, no longer disgusing his voice while ordering the driver to step on it; that brought a head turn from the cabbie, who suddenly realized the pretty brunette lady was a man, and the old lady with her...he was one too."

“Hey to each their own,” the man gruffly said and hit the gas, peeling out as the taxi headed down the street; the driver weaving in and out of traffic like he was in the Grand Prix at Monaco.

The two top agents from U.N.C.L.E. looked each other in the eye, and proceeded to laugh their asses off...

"Nice job...Illya-ette," Napoleon chuckled.

"You did well too Auntie Maude, but I have not forgotten what you did in the elevator. You will pay and pay dearly my friend."

"Oh I wouldn't expect anything less of you...tovarisch. Might I bribe you with a dinner at the 21 Club on Saturday? My treat of course."

There was a surprising moment of silence.

"Well?"

"I am thinking it over."

"Since when do you turn down a free meal, especially at a pricey restaurant?"

"I am debating whether I would prefer the Russian Tea Room."

"Oh?" Napoleon cocked an eyebrow.

"I have made up my mind. "Russian Tea Room for lunch...21 Club for dinner."

"What? Hey I'm not made of money you know."

"Yes I know. You still owe me fifty dollars from your last date with Wanda."

Solo had nothing he could say. His wiley Russian partner had trapped him...again. But seeing as how Illya's escape plan had worked flawlessly, the little incident in the elevator wasn't exactly the right thing to have done....still it was just too good an opportunity to have passed up.

"Fine partner mine. Done deal." Napoleon offered his hand in surrender. "Lunch at the Tea Room, dinner at the 21." It was a small price to pay for a successful escape. "And thanks, it was a brilliant plan by the way."

Illya simply grinned...

Comments

[glennagirl.livejournal.com]

I was thinking Some LIke It Hot as well... Boy, wouldn't we like to see this episode ;)

[mrua7.livejournal.com]

Yep, definitely some great visuals right? Thanks! I was trying to find some pics of either or both of them dressed as women, I know they're out there, but just couldn't find them. Oh well, they probably wouldn't have fit with the descriptions anyway. "D